They say trust is earned. A series of positive interactions with someone can give us a sense that he or she has our back, is competent, makes good decisions, or is confident under pressure. And so we begin to trust that person. And we expect the same to be true for us. If we perform well in our interactions with others, we expect that over time they will grow to trust us. Trust is important, especially in a team environment like church where decisions can affect many different areas.
It is easy to trust and feel trusted when things are going well. When the gears are running smoothly and no one is rocking the boat, trust is simple. But when the going gets rough, when someone doesn't accept the great idea that we had or fails to meet our expectations, those feelings quickly disappear. Where did the trust go? Was it ever really there?
I have been on staff at a church for over 10 years, and I clearly remember that in one of the first “creative” meetings (a.k.a. sermon planning meetings) I ever attended in my first weeks on the job, they were talking about trust within the team. 10 years later, it is still something we talk about.
At least three of us involved in the creative process have been working with our senior pastor for over 10 years. People have been added over the years as well. And occasionally we hit a situation that causes someone to ask, “doesn't he trust us,” in reference to our senior pastor. This often happens around Easter and Christmas. No matter how far in advance we start to plan, the major holidays seem to cause the most stress in the creative process. As a team, we may come up with a concept in which we believe only to have it shot down by senior leadership. And inevitably someone will ask, “doesn't he trust us?” Recently, it became clear to me how absurd that question can be.
No matter how far in advance we start to plan, the major holidays seem to cause the most stress in the creative process.
I say, “can,” because every situation and relationship is different. Here, I am specifically talking about a relationship with some history: a good, healthy relationship that warrants some level of trust.
My wife and I trust each other immensely, yet we disagree occasionally. It is trust that allows us to disagree and stay married. I know she is not disagreeing with me out of distrust. I know she has a common purpose in mind. We simply disagree on the best way to achieve that common purpose. We need to remember this in our church lives as well. Trust does not guarantee a lack of disagreement, and disagreement does not indicate a lack of trust. Trust should guide and guard our communication through a disagreement so as to reach our common purpose together.
My colleague, Michael Ferrari, worship leader at LCBC Church in Lancaster, PA, told me, “My trust in a person is wrapped up in what I believe about that person and their motives.” Those beliefs are what inform the story we tell ourselves when we are reacting to someone else's actions. If someone does something I don't like, I have the choice to assume the best of him or the worst. I can assume she was doing what she thought was best or she was being malicious. There is a gap between what actually occurred and my knowledge of the person's motivation. At that first creative meeting over 10 years ago, our pastor of worship and arts suggested “filling the gap with trust.” And why is trust important in these situations? Trust allows us to achieve more than compromise.
And so when we were in that recent meeting and reacting to our creative idea being shot down by our pastor, I pulled back and realized, “Maybe it isn't that he doesn't trust us. Maybe he just disagrees with us.” I know; it sounds really simple. But when you are in the moment and those feelings of disappointment and rejection are clouding your vision, it can be really hard to see the simple truth. It is easy to start telling yourself a darker story. So instead of talking about a lack of trust, we began to talk about how we could better communicate our ideas.
And this is one of the main benefits that trust can provide us in our relationships: a communication path that allows us to reach a better finish together. If I trust that you have our common goal as your motive, I do not have to create that darker story of why you have done something that I perceive as working against that common goal. Instead, I can ask questions to clarify. And it's not just the questions that matter. The approach matters as well. If I come to you from a position of trust, I will be truly seeking to understand your position or mindset. I will not be combative or accusatory. In turn, you will not be defensive.
Something very practical that helped us foster the trust relationship with our pastor was to come to him with a couple partially developed ideas rather than one fully developed idea. That way he can tell us what he likes or does not like, and we can explain why we went one direction instead of another. It gives us more flexibility and allows us to develop the final direction together.
Did you see what happened there? We were the ones who felt hurt, and we were the ones to change our approach. That is the trickiest part of relationships, isn't it? We can't change the other person's actions or reactions. We can only change ours. Communicate through the lens of trust and accomplish more together.
