Photo by Alek Kalinowski on Unsplash
Healthy boundaries begin with deciding what you are unwilling to sacrifice.
When we talk about boundaries, we usually think of them as being designed to keep something out.
Keeping my unhealthy emotions from turning into negative actions. Keeping my workaholic tendencies from spilling into my family time. Keeping my feelings and desires from manifesting as destructive behavior.
But what if we also consider boundaries as important for keeping something out?
Consider a city surrounded by a wall, or a castle encircled by a moat. Neither is designed to keep people inside from being able to leave; rather, they’re designed to keep unwanted encroachment from coming in.
Personal health and family relationships cannot continually wait until the work is finished.
It is in this context that I think we need to reconsider the idea of work-life balance, and the idea of having healthy boundaries between work time and personal time.
Usually we think about work as something that needs to stay inside a healthy boundary, so it doesn’t spill into our nights and off days and cause destruction in our personal lives and families. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this approach, and it’s a valuable perspective to consider.
But the danger is that it puts all of the attention on trying to control work, and our personal lives are almost reduced to being an innocent bystander we hope to protect.
What if, instead of fighting to keep work under wraps, we strive harder to put walls and boundaries around our personal lives? What if our energy was spent on building healthy homes, selves, and relationships, and we were willing to vigilantly say “no” to anything that pushed back against it?
Sometimes I think we in the church world can easily feel guilty when we try to take time for ourselves. It can make us feel like we’re neglecting the notion that ministry is a 24/7 lifestyle, or that we’re being lazy and ineffective by not always being willing and able to do church work.
But it takes just as much work ethic and discipline to build and protect a routine of personal health, rest, and Sabbath as it does to become a talented graphic designer or camera operator. Neither end result is achieved by accident. Both take time, commitment, dedication, and an unwavering commitment.
So I must be just as willing to fight for my personal life, and as willing to put in the time and effort to make it successful, as I would be for training and professional development of my work life.
I have to commit to putting the hard work into building a boundary around what’s important.
Before setting limits on work, identify the parts of life you are determined to protect.
That means I may have to have difficult conversations with my leaders about when I need to say no or become unavailable. That may mean I need to better prioritize time with my spouse or children and be more aggressive about protecting that time. It may mean I should establish and commit to hobbies and activities that allow me to mentally recharge and regain energy, never mind the idea of allowing my body and mind to rest.
But I have to flip my mentality. I’m not working hard to push work out. I’m working hard to protect what’s mine.
The book of Ecclesiastes is a constant reminder of the importance of maintaining a healthy perspective on life. Chasing personal gain or pleasure (purely for their own sake) is meaningless. But so is constantly chasing productivity and work.
In chapter four, verse six, the writer notes that one handful of rest is better than two handfuls of toil and striving.
In essence, I already have what’s important, and I’m going to protect it: from anything that tries to steal it from me, and from the notion that I should be doing something else.
Many church technicians and creatives struggle with workaholic or perfectionist tendencies. There’s a part of that which helps us be successful in our roles, by often refusing to settle for less than the best, and a constant willingness to push boundaries to do more and to do better.
But it’s that same tendency that looks at one handful of rest and then says, “Why have one when I could have two? Isn’t two better?” Or maybe it says, “If I was working harder, I’d have two handfuls, so why be lazy and settle?”
Rest requires discipline, not apology.
And this is where having boundaries are critical. I can keep those unhealthy thoughts out and protect myself. I can refuse to let anything, no matter how important it seems, take my rest from me. When I know I’ve got a strong wall and have protected myself, I can confidently say no to things that on the surface seem like good opportunities but might eventually try to rob me of what I hold so dearly.
In his book Essentialism, author Greg McKeown notes that, “The wisdom in life comes from the elimination of the nonessentials.”
What are the nonessentials? My own health, rest, and sanity, and the things that provide those. My family and close relationships. My spiritual life.
Those are the things I build the wall around, and I have to feel comfortable saying no to things that try to take them from me.
When I flip my perspective and focus more on what I’m fighting for, versus what I’m fighting against, it may make it easier to take a stand when I feel things are becoming unhealthy or overwhelming at work.
I can have those conversations with my leaders to ensure they know my priorities and can ask for their help to protect them. I can ensure my team that I’m not being lazy or unproductive, but I’m simply choosing to have special windows of time where I prioritize other things.
Boundaries are critical for what they keep out, but they’re also crucial for the valuable things they protect.
It’s time to build a wall.
