Death. Taxes. Change.
There are some things in life that we can all count on. Unfortunately, the things that are the most predictable may not always be the ones that bring us joy or pleasure.
But in the case of conflict, being able to manage it the right way actually does have the ability to bring forth positive benefits down the road.
Ministry is a people-first business, and if there's one thing I've learned about working with people, it's that we are all different. Those differences (of opinion, perspective, attitude, etc.) are what often lead to unmet expectations, disappointment, frustration, and tension.
Understanding the inevitability of conflict, especially in a ministry environment, is critical. But even more important is knowing our own individual responsibility to help manage and resolve that conflict. Here are three crucial steps we all must take as we work to bring conflict to a healthy resolution:
1. Maintain honor.
Our perspective on life (and, thus, what our expectations are) can be influenced by many things, ranging from our past experiences and relationships to what sort of mood we're in when we wake up. This can all form a filter through which we view life.
Unfortunately, many of us serving in church tech ministry have developed our own filters. We're expected to be right all of the time and not make mistakes, the people around us have no idea what we do, and we're expected to constantly perform miracles with limited time and resources.
When we grow accustomed to feeling like we are wearing certain labels, we get used to viewing circumstances through those filters. It can then get easy for the tension to rise during what may otherwise appear to be a normal interaction. So, we may get too careless with our words and attitude and become dismissive, sarcastic, or insensitive of others during these moments.
The problem is that, as leaders, the life we live is contagious. For many of us, we have teams of staff or volunteers who are looking to us to help them navigate these situations also. If we don't have a healthy level of respect or honor for the people around us, then our teams can get infected with this unhealthy perspective also.
At that point, we have no right to expect our teams to honor and respect us, if we aren't capable of offering that to others with whom we disagree.
In relationships, it’s not about being right, but being healthy.
So, instead of allowing the negative filter of our past experiences to define our future interactions, let's instead take a deep breath in these moments. Then, ask questions so we fully understand the other person's heart and don't need to assume their intent.
Sometimes people are just innocently ignorant of a situation and may not understand how it affects us. We can use these moments to educate and inform. After all, there are ways to disagree with someone's perspective without dismissing or devaluing them as a person.
2. Take ownership of my role.
As much as we hate to admit it, if we're involved in conflict of some sort, there's a really good chance that it's at least partially our fault. Very rarely is a problem completely one-sided.
One thing I learned very early in my ministry leadership journey is that in any conflict, I should first look inwardly to see where I may have made a mistake. What responsibility do I need to own first?
This leads to a couple of valuable perspectives.
First, if I'm the one willing to first apologize or take a step towards resolution, it becomes that much easier for the other person to accept my apology or to be willing to take a step to meet me in the middle.
Secondly, my job as a leader is to set my team up for success. If they're struggling (or if the people around me are struggling), I should first assume that I haven't done my job in communicating, resourcing, or investing in my team. I should assume the best of intentions about those around me, and be willing to fall on the sword for anything I may not have done to my best ability.
I once heard that in a conflict scenario, the person in the relationship who feels that he's the most mature will always be the one to take the first step towards resolution. Let's challenge ourselves to be the one to take that step first.
In relationships, it's not about being right, but being healthy.
3. Maintain humility.
This one is probably the hardest, because nobody ever wants to admit fault or weakness. And for many of us, we probably feel like our ministry leaders and peers look to us with a certain level of expectation: that we always have the answers, we always get things right, and we always know what to do.
When there's an expectation of carrying that mantle, it can become very difficult sometimes to step back and admit that we don't know something or that we screwed something up.
But just as we should exhibit maturity in taking the initial step towards resolving a conflict, we should also practice humility in helping avoid that conflict altogether.
Many times, conflict is rooted in pride, when we feel that we deserve a certain level of response from others. That pride results in two different outcomes: self-defense and offense.
Self-defense says that you don't understand me or why I did what I did, and you have no right to judge me for it. I know myself better than you know me, and I now have to justify my actions so that you more clearly understand why I'm actually the right one, and you're wrong.
While I may see this as an act of self-preservation (so I don't get steamrolled or allow others to have an incorrect perception of me), it can sometimes be rooted in the fear of impending consequences of the conflict. Someone relying on self-defense sees failure (or imperfection) as a weakness and can be too insecure to show it.
The spirit of offense, however, says that I deserve a certain amount of respect or deference because of who I am and what I've accomplished or achieved, and someone else has no place to give me less than that.
Instead of receiving feedback, I turn that around and demand changes out of others, because I struggle taking ownership of my own actions. Someone easily offended often judges himself based on intention and others on their actions, and struggles to see the good heart that may have been behind an innocent mistake.
Through all of this, it's important to remember that conflict is a natural outcome of people's differences, even in ministry. It's the inevitable byproduct of passionate people working side-by-side.
But not all conflict has to be seen as negative and harmful. If we approach it with the right perspective and attitude, we can work with those around us to help ensure that we're collaborating to bring the best possible result to our ministry.
And that means that it's not about the one who gets the credit, but the One who gets the glory.
