Several years ago I wanted "out" more than at any other time since I began this journey as a technical director at my church. As I left work one afternoon, I seriously considered driving as far away as I possibly could. The only reason I didn't was because I didn't want my wife to call and then have to explain why I was 100 miles from home. I was being stretched in new ways. Insecurity had reached a new high. This role as a technical director really felt unmanageable.
In that moment I didn't know what my problem was ... only that something wasn't right in my heart. That much I knew.
I was in the beginning phase of a big lighting project in our Kids Theater wrapping up the third and final big project of the year. We were installing some dimmers, ellipsodials, and LEDs. Then it happened. You know that moment when you have to commit to the project being completed before weekend services roll around? Well, shortly after we committed, I realized a serious oversight in my planning. I had made an error regarding power for the new system. This was going to mean no lights for the weekend. At the same time, another unexpected mishap took place bringing down the audio system in our main auditorium.
I didn't respond well. I didn't punch a wall. I didn't utter words of ill repute. Funny thing is, no one would have ever known what was going on inside me because I had a "heart problem." I didn't express it outwardly. Like many techies, I rarely do.
Moments like this are useful for determining the condition of our hearts. This isn't a lesson in leadership, planning, or even learning from my planning failures ... although there's plenty to learn. It's a lesson in why we do what we do. God used this failure to reveal at least one deep-rooted insecurity in my heart: I wanted the praise of men, the recognition for being really good at what I do.
If you're anything like me, you can disguise your heart condition with little difficulty.
"Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ." - Colossians 3:23-24 ESV
That verse reads much easier than it lives, huh? That night I shared all that had happened and confessed what I had discovered in my heart. My best friend told me, "Andrew, I believe that to you, your problems, concerns, fears and failures are all bigger to you than God is to you...you're too afraid of what people think of you." Somehow, I'd wandered into the land of “working heartily for the praise of my leaders, the Kids Theater team, and volunteers.” The attitude of my heart wasn't on serving Christ.
Here's what it now looks like for me to live out Colossians 3 in my day to day work. I pray. Pray before beginning anything. I am still learning, for I have not yet mastered the glorious truth laid out for us in Philippians 4.
"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:4-6 ESV
Just how do you do this? This might be a start:
1. Start off by being intentional to rejoice. Be glad. What specific blessings are you grateful for in this moment? Talk about them with your volunteers. Encourage those around you to do the same.
I wanted the praise of men, the recognition for being really good at what I do.
2. Be reasonable ... with yourself and others. Have humble and fair expectations and challenges. Are you placing expectations upon yourself or others that God doesn't even place on us?
3. Don't be anxious about anything. That troublesome word "anything" is right there. We don't have to be anxious and worry about what this day or this project holds. I still don't know how to do this well, yet. I tend to wander into anxiety often.
4. In everything, pray. This is where I have found the most peace. Be thankful toward God. Confess your struggles. Ask for what you need, and in all of it be very specific. Don't just pray these general "God be with us" prayers. God cares about the details and wants you to bring it all to Him. Invite those serving along side of you to actively be a part of prayer.
Then comes a promise. "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7 ESV
How is your heart? Your friends can't answer that question for you. If you're anything like me, you have the ability to disguise your heart condition with little difficulty. Do you lack peace? Do you feel tossed by every wave of life? I believe God is trying to do something inside us that is far bigger than our circumstances. Again, bring it to Him.
[Editor's note: Originally published in October 2019.]
