Internalizing our frustration, anger, or hurt can end up rotting our souls from the inside out. So, who do we turn to after we pray?
It’s an inevitable part of life that we’re going to get bothered, hurt, or offended, and it may happen on almost a daily basis.
But what isn’t inevitable is that we handle that situation the correct way.
When we are hurt, there can be numerous ways to respond, and it takes discernment and intentional effort to ensure we’re doing so in a healthy manner.
Since we are serving in ministry, we need to do all we can to work through potentially divisive issues, showing that the team and ministry family are more important than whatever the issue is at hand. Obviously, there can be serious exceptions to this, but for the most part, there are few obstacles worth creating a permanent team rift over.
However, that rift will naturally develop if we choose to handle our situations in an unhealthy manner.
As Proverbs 19:11 reminds us, it’s to one’s glory to overlook an offense. So there may be circumstances where I just have to choose that my feelings aren’t going to get hurt and what was said or done isn’t going to bother me.
Unfortunately though, we’re human, which means that there will be plenty of other times that we do get offended or wounded by someone else. And that will lead us to a fork in the road that can determine whether we’re on a path to healing or not.
My first critical decision is whether or not I’ll choose to get others involved. Why is this so important? Because internalizing my frustration, anger, or hurt can end up rotting my soul from the inside out. Keeping those feelings inside, without having a proper way to vent or process them, just leads to be ruminating on those wounds over and over.
By doing this, I open the door for roots of bitterness and resentment to grow in my heart, ultimately affecting my view of those around me and even the ministry as a whole. It can affect my outlook on life and my relationships, and that can eventually sour all of my relationships.
So, to even give myself a chance at a healthy outcome, it’s critical that I bring others into the picture. Proverbs 14:30 says that a heart at peace gives life to the body, and my heart will never be at peace if I’m not processing my emotions in a healthy way.
But when I choose to share my emotions or feelings with others, how and why I choose to do that is another critical decision to make.
Am I seeking wise counsel and insight from others who can provide perspective to resolve an issue or guide me through processing my feelings in a healthy way, or am I just finding people in the crowd who I can complain or vent to and I know will help me rationalize why my feelings are justified? Am I looking for guidance or am I just yearning to gossip?
... if I’m venting about a person or situation to someone who can’t help resolve the issue, then it really is gossip.
Now, I may not see myself as gossiping; I’m only sharing my feelings about the situation with a friend who I know can encourage me. And that seems all well and good.
But if I’m venting about a person or situation to someone who can’t help resolve the issue, then it really is gossip. I’m spreading the roots of dissension with other team members and allowing an attitude of negativity to start permeating the organization.
The more I vent to others, the more that I develop a reputation as a complainer. It can get to the point where people expect us to be the Negative Nancy that’s constantly fussing about people or even leadership decisions.
When it gets to the point where I’ve developed a reputation as that sort of person, chances are that I’ve allowed my own heart to get infected with such a negative attitude that I now fixate on other people, looking for the worst in them and even expecting them to make mistakes. It then becomes easier for me to seek out things in their behavior that will hurt and offend me, just so I can continue to rationalize my distaste for that person.
At that point, there may be no other healthy option than for me to leave the team. Either the ministry will recognize that I’ve become bitter and resentful and will ask me to leave, or I need to have the wherewithal to leave on my own, accepting the fact that I’m no longer capable of being a healthy team member.
Sadly, I allowed myself to rot from the inside out because I chose to process my feelings in an unhealthy or unproductive way.
But is there a healthy, beneficial way to get others involved and ensure that the team dynamic is undamaged during a season of conflict or tension? Absolutely!
In multiple places in Proverbs, the writer reminds us that one of the keys to victory and a life of prosperity is seeking the counsel of wise people. When I’m dealing with hardship, the best thing to do is not to give full vent to my buddies that will just pat me on the back and help me justify my offense or frustration. The best thing to do is to seek out people of wisdom in positions of influence, even if they might tell me that my feelings are unfounded or unjustified and I’m actually in the wrong.
Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life.
- Proverbs 19:20-NLT
Counselors don’t fix problems; they just provide perspective. Sometimes when we get our feelings hurt, we may need more than just a shoulder to cry on. We may need a distant, third-party observer who sees more than we do and can help us understand different angles or avenues we previously may not have considered.
Without having someone to help us see those things, our human nature is to assume that we’re whole and just and the issue is with the other person.
Maybe I made a mistake that I’m not capable of seeing on my own. Maybe I have blind spots that led to the initial tension. Maybe I have some level of immaturity or insecurity that I need to deal with so I’m not so bothered by others’ words and actions.
Without having someone to help us see those things, our human nature is to assume that we’re whole and just and the issue is with the other person. But if we really do see ourselves as leaders in ministry, we need to practice the humility that owns our role and vows to take the first step towards resolution, regardless of how much at fault we are.
It’s not about finding others to make me feel better in the moment. It’s about using this moment to propel me forward towards a more fulfilling future. Gossip may make me feel better now, but getting healthy guidance will ensure I always have a solid foundation to build on.
